there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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