I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
