My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
