Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Randomize
