my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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