god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
