This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
