I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
