he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
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