I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
