No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
