Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I take back everything I said about communal showers
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize