I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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