She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
where does the pee come out of this thing
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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