i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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