You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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