HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize