Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
