Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize