This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize