...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
