i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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