I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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