Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
