You're my little dorito
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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