Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Randomize
