i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I came so hard my ears popped.
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