Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
