Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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