good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize