she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
