Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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