you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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