i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
