I think I just saw someone hide a body.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
He uses pillows to masturbate.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
