seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
