i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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