totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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