he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
