Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
