I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
