i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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