I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
