I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
