My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
