Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
