After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Hippo gnu deer
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
