I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
