Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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