Umm I'm too high to move.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
