Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
