I haven't been this sober since birth.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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