I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
