I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize