Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
